The Super Bowl? Is that tonight?

I’m sure you’re holding your breath, wondering what I’m going to be doing later today.

It’s not that hard to figure out. It IS Super Sunday after all. The Pittsburgh Steelers will be taking the field in Dallas soon against the Green Bay Packers.

The only problem is, I don’t have a dog in this hunt.

The Steelers don’t really do anything for me so I won’t be startling my wife and terrifying my kids when I jump out of my chair waving the Terrible Towel above my head.

And Green Bay?

Sorry Packers fans, but I just can’t see myself sporting a tri-cornered cheese-head hat. You’d think I’d embrace your head gear as a great way to embarrass my kids, but those things are just too much, even for me (and I’m the guy whose favorite pair of shorts are so loud my dog won’t even consent to be around me when I wear them, much less my wife).

While I’m being honest, I may as well come fully clean on the subject of football.

I’m not a fan.

And, to be totally honest, I’m not much of a sports fan, period.

Football, basketball, baseball, etc – it doesn’t matter. I’m not a fan.

I don’t mean to imply that I’m hostile to sports.  I’m just kind of bored by it all. If I have a game on TV, I’m probably not really watching it. I’m way more likely to be using it to lull myself into a much more exciting nap.

If there is such a thing as a sports fan gene, I don’t have it.  And, since I’m not a carrier, I’m forced to take steps to defend myself against those who are. For example, I rarely ever wear anything with a team logo on it. That just invites a conversation that I am ill-equipped to move very far along, if at all.

There are times, however, when a casual conversation about sports is unavoidable.  My defensive strategy for extricating myself as gracefully as possible while not letting on that I couldn’t care less involves making room in my brain for otherwise useless sports information. I do this by scanning the sports page once or twice a week for the important stuff. Being able to successfully drop a name or two helps when you are trying to avoid an awkward moment.

And, you may think that ESPN is only for the sports obsessed, but it’s great for those of us who are sports indifferent, too. All you have to do is invest a half-an-hour in SportsCenter, especially after a big game (assuming you actually know about the big game). The show will give you all the highlights in a matter of minutes, relieving you of having to commit at least two hours to something in which (1) you have very little interest and (2) you’re not really paying attention to anyway. SportsCenter at least gives you a chance to get through the next day’s water cooler conversations with some dignity.  Nothing sucks the air out of a room faster than when a REAL sports fan figures out that you’re just trying to cover up a lack of knowledge so profound that it verges on what some might describe as a character flaw.

Now, with all that said, you’d think that I am dreading tonight’s festivities. On the contrary, I’m looking forward to the Super Bowl. It’s one of the only times of the year when I can eat anything I want – ANYTHING – without provoking a scowl from my wife.


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