My wife and some friends of her’s left a few days ago for their annual chick trip to the beach. They are due back home later today.
This used to be cause for some alarm on my part, but I’ve learned from past mistakes. When my wife says she has no expectations for her return, that really means the house had better be in order.
So, for self-preservation’s sake, I’ve put together a check list of things I need to do before she gets home. I offer it here, along with other advice, for those of us who’ve ever tried to put things right in the last minute rush to avert a homecoming disaster.
- Collect the dirty clothes you and your kids have strewn all over the house and fire up the washing machine. The last thing she wants to face is a week’s worth of your dirty laundry when she’s got a suitcase full of her own.
- Same thing with the dirty dishes piled in the kitchen. That’s assuming there are dirty dishes. If not, get rid of the remains of the take-out meals you and the kids have been subsisting on for the past week.
- Make sure the trash isn’t piling up. If it’s trash day, take the garbage cans out to the curb. They won’t get out there by themselves.
- Vacuum the carpets. If you really want to score points, steam clean them. I realize this may not be possible. It takes too much planning.
- Clean the bathrooms. Don’t forget to put out clean towels.
- Most importantly, check around for the kids. Once you find them, give them a good once over to make sure there are no injuries that might ruin her homecoming. Then tell them to put on clean underwear, pat their heads and hustle them off to school.
Here’s one more thing. Call your wife and find out when she expects to be home. This little bit of intelligence is key because you’ll want to look busy when she arrives. You can decide how to accomplish this for yourself, but I usually put off mopping. That way, when my wife comes through the front door I can get all fussy and shoo her from the kitchen so she won’t ruin my floor. This immediately tells her that you have her best interests at heart.
I’ve got to get busy now. My wife is due back in a couple hours and all I’ve done so far today is write this post.