Nothing Important Has Happened Lately


It’s not as consequential as the fight on Capitol Hill over what to do about the debt and deficit. Nor is it as weighty as the issues West Virginia lawmakers are confronting down in Charleston as they hold their annual legislative session.

And to be honest, the idea hasn’t really gotten much traction at my house. But since no one in my family has done anything even mildly amusing lately, here it is:

My tween daughter sort of, maybe, kinda wants a pet bird — but not really.

I know that doesn’t make much sense, but it’s all I’ve got to work with.

I could go on about how my wife recently showed up for work sporting mismatched shoes, but this isn’t the week to annoy her. She gets a pass because she’s celebrating a birthday.

I could make fun of my teenaged son. He invited detention after a teacher at his school caught him checking messages on his cell phone at the wrong time. But being made to stay after school for an hour one day this week is probably punishment enough.

Even our mean cat, Skitty, hasn’t tried to poke anyone’s eye out lately. And, our big dog Rodney? He hasn’t done anything goofy at all.

Things have been so quiet around here that I’m beginning to think that 1) I’d better start stacking the furniture up in the attic because the dam is going to burst soon, or 2) my wife, son and daughter are on to me and are purposefully avoiding becoming column fodder.

Either way, this is all quite frustrating for a guy who depends on their antics.

To quote a line that seems to be uttered in every Star Wars film ever made and will presumably be somehow included in future Star Wars films, “I’ve got a bad feeling about this.”

I’m so desperate for something to write about, I was reduced this week to overt tactics in order to uncover something worth putting words to paper.

I asked our kids point-blank when they got home from school if “they’d done anything silly … anything …. at all …. ?”

I got the answer you’d expect, which is to say their response leaned more toward contempt than inspiration.

Our son simply gave me a short “no.”

When I asked our daughter, she slowly shook her head while giving me that squinty-eyed look tween girls use when they want to let you know just how dumb they think you are without actually saying it (she gives me that look a lot).

So, now here I am stuck writing about a bird we will never get and nobody will ever shed a tear over.

It all started with our daughter’s “bestie,” who lives across the street. Her parents got her a couple of parakeets that she keeps in her room.

Our daughter came home the other day and mentioned the new additions to our neighbor’s family. She then told me she wouldn’t mind having a couple of parakeets of her own, but feared they might end up making a nice snack for our dog or cat.

My wife said the same thing.

This is pathetic, but I tried to keep the issue alive (for my daughter’s sake, not for my column … honest).

However, that’s pretty much where this story ends.

Rodney and Skitty have put the question of whether to get a bird or two to rest.

And now, I’m flapping my wings around in the wind again for an idea for my next column.

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2 thoughts on “Nothing Important Has Happened Lately

  1. I say count your blessings. This period of calm will not last, and you will be rereading this post and softly weeping into your coffee mug about the quiet times of yore. Me? I’m still scarred from your Bradford pear chainsaw trauma.

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